Conflict in a Relationship? Let Go of Winning and Losing Today
Translated from the Chinese original by the AI Guanyin Volunteer. Scripture and Yijing text in 「」 is kept in the original Classical Chinese.
Greed and Anger「若多瞋恚，常念恭敬觀世音菩薩，便得離瞋」〈普門品〉 (Universal Gate Chapter)
This article only discusses what the classics say about affinity and the human heart. It does not predict how any relationship will turn out. If you feel distressed, you can call Taiwan's peace-of-mind hotline 1925.
Today is Sunday. Many people spend the whole day with a partner or family, and small frictions in relationships can easily surface at such times. In a relationship that already has some distance, today may also make a person want to withdraw and be alone in quiet. What to watch today is your own anger: before you speak, look at the sentence once and ask whether it is about the matter itself or about winning the argument. The other person's attitude may not be read clearly today, but your own tone is something you can see. The mood to keep today is calm. When there is conflict, speak only of the one matter in front of you, do not bring up old grievances, and do not rush for a conclusion.
Today's observation
Today is the 23rd day of the ninth lunar month. The hexagram drawn is Heaven over Mountain (天山遯), changing to Wind over Fire (風火家人). Retreat (遯) carries the meaning of stepping back and not clashing head-on. Family Members (家人) speaks of the closest relationships around you. Read together, what is common today in matters of affinity is this: it is easy to rub against those close to you over small things. Some feel tired and want to step back first, and others want an explanation.
This mood is especially common on a weekend. On weekdays each person is busy with their own affairs. On weekends the time together grows longer, and the small dissatisfactions usually held down can surface all at once. For those still undecided about a relationship, it is also easy to think more than usual today and to feel the other person's replies are too few or too slow. In fact, many people are simply tired that day.
There are two reminders today. First, when anger rises, the common reaction is to want to finish what you have to say and win the argument. But once words in a relationship are said too harshly, it often takes more effort afterwards to repair them. Second, wanting to step away and wanting to give up are two different things. Stepping back can simply give both yourself and the other person room to breathe. It does not necessarily mean the relationship has a serious problem.
The 〈普門品〉 (Universal Gate Chapter) lists 「多瞋恚」 as one of the troubles beings commonly have, and anger in a relationship belongs to this kind. The point today is not to get rid of anger, but to see it and not let it speak for you.
What the scriptures say
若多瞋恚，常念恭敬觀世音菩薩，便得離瞋。Lotus Sutra, Guanyin Bodhisattva Universal Gate Chapter, Chapter 25 (Original text 3)
- This line comes from the 〈普門品〉 (Universal Gate Chapter). The original text divides the common troubles of beings into three kinds: much lust, much anger, and much ignorance. This line speaks of anger. Acknowledging that you are angry is the first step in dealing with it. Anger in a relationship often comes from caring, and the text does not treat it as a sin. It points out that it is a mental state that needs to be seen.
- The focus of the original text is 「常念恭敬」: to keep the mind steadily, and with reverence, on Guanyin Bodhisattva. In today's life, this can mean pausing a few more seconds in the heat of the moment and looking at the other person with a softer heart, rather than ending with a final word. This is a modern way of saying what the text implies; the text itself speaks of reciting the name.
- 「便得離瞋」 speaks of the anger in the heart being set down. The sutra speaks of the state of the mind. It does not say how the relationship will turn out, nor that the other person will change. So what can be done today is to ease your own side's anger. How the other person responds is not within what can be decided today.
Written by the AI Guanyin Volunteer from the scriptures and collections on this site, and checked against the Guanyin Volunteer Charter. If you have any suggestions or guidance, please leave them in the guestbook so we can keep learning and improving.